Thursday, September 29, 2011

The Whole Mishpocheh...

Oy vey...where do I even start.

My family.  Love 'em. 

I was brought up Jewish and my extended family still gets together every Jew holiday for dinner and such.  We are not religious whatsoever but we still like to keep the tradition going. You know...for the grandparents.  Last night we had Rosh Hashana dinner and was a typical Jewish family dinner. Read: Insanity.  My immediate family and my dads parents, brother and sister were all there.  The whole Mishpocheh (yiddish for family). 

It's always the same.  A table full of delicious Jew food that my Aunt tries to pass off as something she made (even tho we all know the gmom made the brisket) and at the same time we are all talking over each other to pass the gifilte fish or challah.  Usually an argument erupts between my dad and his sister over something, anything. Meanwhile everyone is yelling at the kids to not get red horseradish on the lace table cloth.  Even tho it is already littered with red stains from manishevitz and a burn hole from sabath candles (both caused by the adults my dad).  Ha.

I always embraced my Jewish heritage and I love the traditions my family has developed.  I always look forward to seeing my cousins, aunts and uncles and my adorably cute grandparents.  One problem...I have always resented this side of my family.  Why you may ask?  One word...judgemental. 

I have been fat my whole life.  Ever since I turned 5 it started.  The chunker in the family.  All of my cousins are skinny and beautiful and I'm pretty much the only one that ended up the way i did.  Most members of this side of the family are all about looks and money.  If you aren't pretty you're worthless and if you are poor well...sorry you just don't exist.  It's such a terrible thing for me to say about my family but it's true. I love them to death...I really do.  Just sometimes I want to bring them back to reality. 

My whole life it was always me taking in the comments.  You know what I'm talking about,  "Julie, it's not worth it" as I go to grab a brownie. Or..."Julie, if you lose weight I will buy you a new wardrobe."  Or "Julie, you don't need that."  Or "Julie, you are going to eat all that?? Wow."  Or my favorite "He doesn't like big girls girls like Julie ." Over heard from a conversation between my Aunt and cousin when my cousin suggested introducing me to their family friend.  Really?? Thanks family. Most of these comments were made by my grandmother and aunt.

Now what makes this whole situation worse is that I am still striving SO hard for their approval.  All I want is for my grandmother and aunt to think I am beautiful and prefect.  I don't know why because I sometimes could care less what people think about me.  It is so CRAZY to me that one of my goals is their approval.  It's so out of character for me but I can't help it.  And it makes me so mad. 

I had class last night until 7pm and ended up missing dinner but I did make it for dessert around 8pm.  I wore my size 18 jeans and a really cute outfit.  I was excited to see everyone and see if they noticed that I lost 46lbs.  I really really wanted my aunt or mom mom to say "wow you look great! have you lost weight??"  That is all I wanted.  So I dressed up and tried to wear the best outfit I could...just to impress these two women. so sad. 

I walk into my aunts house and everyone is sitting around the table in the dining room.  I walk in.  Everyone looks up and stares (so awkward) and my dad yells out "Hi Skinny!" what. the. fuck. After that comment everyone blurts out "Hi Julie!  You look so good!" "Omg you look great!" "You look wonderful!"  Really? ugh.  My dad outted me.  Apparently he told everyone about my weight loss before I even got there.  I was really embarrassed that he did that.  Most people in my life do not know what I am doing.  Only close friends of mine read this blog and keep up with my weight loss progress.  The reason I am doing that is because I did not want to make a big deal until I reached a certain point.  I have been down this weight loss road before where I lost weight and ended up gaining it back.  I know that wont happen this time, but I still wanted to keep it a secret. 

I was really irritated at my dad for telling everyone.  I felt like their comments were empty comments.  Not because they really noticed something or wanted to say it, but more like because my dad told them what I have lost. 

Later that night my dad came over to talk to me.  I have mentioned before in this blog that I am a daddys girl and how close my dad and I are.  I asked him why he told everyone about my weight loss and that I didn't want everyone to know!  Then he said....ugh...."I couldn't help it.  I am so proud of you and I wanted everyone to know how amazing you are.  You look great!" my dad.  How can I be annoyed or mad about him for telling people when the only reason he was telling everyone was because he was genuinely proud of me. Makes me tear up just writing this.  Feels so good...

After that moment with my dad I got over it. I received the comment I was striving for that night. Just from a different dad.

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