Thursday, May 17, 2012

I Don't Even Know What to Say...

Seriously. My heart is broken.

I have been waiting 16 MONTHS to write this post.  The post that is supposed to be so EXCITING and HAPPY!  The post where I shout out to the world that I have lost 50lbs!

Yeah well....I lost 50lbs, oh wait....then I didn't. :(

Last week I weighed myself and noticed that I was 264.2lbs on Thursday and had lost 2lbs putting me OVER the 50lb mark.  I was shocked because I wasn't able to work out early that week because of my hamstring.  But I didn't question it too much because I was on point with my food and was still pretty somewhat active (took a few slow short walks here and there). I was scared to share my news just in case it was a fluke, so I did wait another day just to see if the scale was being truthful.  So then on Friday I weighed myself again and in fact it said I did weigh 264.2lbs!  I took that as official and I was BEAMING.  I cried...no joke.  So happy that I FINALLY made it to one of my goals.  A huge accomplishment and I could finally be happy about my progress (plus I was half way to my christian louboutin goal heels).  I was so happy in fact, that I even decided to out myself on facebook.  You see, no one on facebook really knows I am even losing weight except for my family and close bffs.  I have been hiding it because I wasn't ready to tell everyone.  I guess I was scared of their reactions or something, I don't really know.  But since I "officially" lost 50lbs, I decided to tell facebook, so I did.  I was nervous to see the reaction.  I wasn't sure if people would a) believe me b) care c) talk smack or d) all of the above.  Well...the response I got was overwhelmingly positive, amazing, supportive and lovely.


I can't believe how amazingly supportive everyone on FB was!  It made me feel so great seeing everyone's encouraging comments and "likes."  I was SO insanely happy on Friday, I felt like I was unstoppable. 

But no one is unstoppable, are they?

Now, almost a week later, I am regretting my decision to tell people my progress.  I just weighed myself this morning and apparently I have gained almost 2lbs back.  It's heart breaking!!!! To tell people you reached a goal and then a few days later....you find out your a liar.  It's a terrible feeling and it makes me so frustrated. Of course it's 100% my fault that I gained those 2lbs but I know I wouldn't have if I wasn't hurt, and that is what makes this so damn upsetting.

My hamstring is so painful I can barely walk.  I have been icing it and putting compression on it and even went to the dr.  I have to get an MRI on Monday because the dr said I may have torn my hamstring and in the meantime all I can do is rest and pop percocets and muscle relaxers. Fun right? No.  

I can't work out, I can't do anything and it's making me gain my weight back.  My food intake has been great and I even started incorporating clean meals and super healthy protein packed breakfasts into my diet. Eating chia seeds has also really helped me eat less and not crave terrible food.  So what is going on?? I know that weightloss is 70% diet and 30% exercise and that abs are made in the kitchen, so what gives?  The only thing I can think of is that I have been extremely active for the past year and a half and my body isn't used to just sitting around.  Idk what is going on but it is not good.

So needless to say, I feel awful today.  I want to just crawl into a hole and pout.  Way to go Julie....tell 800 people you lost 50lbs and then less than a week later you gain enough that you really didn't lose 50lbs. So frustrating.

These past 2 weeks have really tested me and taught me a lot about myself.  It has shown me how much I really want this lifestyle change and weightloss.  I want it soooo bad.  My life has changed so much that working out is something that I NEED in my life.  It is my outlet to my own little world of happiness.  It makes me feel happy and amazing.  Without it, I just feel bored and unaccomplished.  

I really hope I can get this injury taken care of as soon as possible.  All I want is to be able to run again and continue on my journey.  I have hit many speed bumps the past year, and I still continued on.  This is just another bump in the road that I have to learn to overcome.

7 comments:

  1. Congrats on losing 50 pounds because girl, you lost 50 pounds. That 2 pound gain isn't 2 pounds of fat. Probably water retention and stress. Don't let it hinder your progress. Maybe right now that you can't work out take the time to see if what you are really eating is good for you. Maybe you are eating too many processed foods or too much of something that your body doesn't get rid of as easily. Don't give up!

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    1. Thank you! You always knock some sense into me. I need that! You are awesome.

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  2. What did you tell me when I had my freak out?

    @not2chunky it's probably water retention and such! you will be ok, keep your head up! :)

    Listen to your advice, girly. Keep your head up, and cut yourself some slack.

    You might have a torn hamstring (Owie, I'm so sorry!!!!). At least it isn't because you just decided "eh, screw it" you know? At least you didn't do what I've done a million times.

    Maybe try google-ing some exercises that you can do while sitting down. Even if it's nothing more than lifting something heavy. I do some pretty ridiculous looking stuff while I'm sitting around watching TV

    Don't let this keep you down!!!! You'll bounce back, no problem!

    Congratulations on losing your 50 pounds, that is badass!!!!!!

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    1. i <3 you!! thank you nicole! you are right...i should listen to my own advice. I started lifting weights at home, so that's a start! you are the best!!!! xoxo

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    2. Awwww, well shucks. Lol. <3

      But in my sad attemp to help you out, I went to youtube and found this video of "chair aerobics" and there is this one guy who is so flamboyant...I couldn't help but smile. But I gave it a try...and as ridiculous as I looked I actually got quite sweaty. Maybe you could give him a try... might help you out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7UYjPqbb5Io&feature=plcp

      It's totally ridiculous, but I actually had some fun! You can find other videos by him if you just search "Paul Eugene chair aerobics"

      Super hugs and I'm rooting you on!!!!!

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    3. i'm going to try this tonight!!!!!!

      xoxo

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  3. Good advice given already, Julie. Water gain/loss fluctuations are totally normal, but it doesn't take away your AWESOME acheivement! Keep up the good work! :)

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