I am going to be so honest right now, so if you don't want to hear it, stop reading. I am upset and I feel better when I get my thoughts on paper....errrrr computer screen?
Today.has.been.a.bad.day. It started out awesomely because I was wearing my new cute maxi and I had a great weekend! Then it turned shitttty. Why I feel the need to make PLDs (poor life decisions) I have no idea. Seriously.....no clue.
I texted J.
Let me explain who J is. J was the "love of my life" for the past 3 years. I met him online on a big girl website. (Yes, I was on a big girl website ok...no judging. No one wanted me on match.com so then I switched to the bbw site and it was like I was a celebrity. Talk about an ego boost). Things were not normal with our relationship from the very begining.
Anyways, our relationship was never really what I thought it should be. There was no romance, no flowers, no hearts, no standard dating norms. He never took me out on a date, never planned anything, never did anything at all. It was a mess and I was oblivious to reality. He had no car. He had no money. He was 33 and lived the life of a 21 year old. The best way to describe our relationship is to say that he was like my dependent. He didn't have a car when I met him and he never ever got one. I picked him up from work every night and drove him both ways on the weekend. I would have to go pick him up at 9:30pm every weekday.... He didn't even have a damn drivers license!!!! Hello, red flags anyone? Apparently not. He never had any money so when we went out to dinner or to the movies, I paid. I paid for everything except his lousy part of the rent once we lived together. I spent thousands of dollars on him and bailing him out of financial situations and pretty much supported him. Why did I stay? Because he told me I was beautiful. When we went out and met his friends, he showed me off. He was proud to be with me. I'm a sucker I suppose and thought that detail was more important than all the negative aspects of the relationship.
In 2010 we moved in together. I left my comfortable life with my friends and family in Delaware and moved 45 minutes north into New Jersey. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, so why not move to NJ? Well...it was a mistake. I do love the area that I live in, but being 45 mins away is far enough that no one comes to visit. Far enough that on a random Monday night at 10:45pm, there is no friend I can call to come over and just hang out with me when i'm sad.
So the past few weeks I have been running to DE on the weekends because I am scared to be alone here in this apartment. I'm lonely and when I am alone it makes me sad and I do stupid shit. I was at work today and I was dreading coming home and just sitting in this damn apartment all night. I couldn't go to the gym because of my hamstring and I was just dreading coming home. Soooooo I texted him. All I said was hi and that I missed him as a friend. He responded saying it was me that wasn't talking to him and asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted to be his friend but that I didn't want to be in a relationship. That's when he flipped out and told me that wasn't going to happen. Soooo I told him I was deleting his number and never talking to him again. I cried at work in my lonely little cube. It was both sad and pathetic, but it was the first time I cried over this break up since the day I really ended it in February. I was so......sad. I felt rejected and I felt like I did something wrong. Then I came home and someone told me that J was putting me on blast on Facebook saying how he can't believe his stupid bitch ex gf was texting him during work and blah blah blah. OUCH. I cried again. How can someone be so cruel? Especially to the person who you used to say you loved. I didn't do anything wrong.
Excuse me for ending our relationship because I didn't want to be told to "Shut the f*ck up" anymore or that I didn't want to walk on eggshells whenever I talked to a guy friend (even tho I lost all my best guy friends bc of Js jealousy). Excuse me for ending our relationship because I thought I deserved better and that I deserved a man who would support my dreams and goals and not call them dumb. Excuse me for ending our relationship because I wanted my future husband to do something nice for me, treat me special, love me. Excuse me for ending our relationship because I want a man that my friends love too. Excuse me for ending our relationship because I didn't like being yelled at if I didn't return your text right away. Excuse me for ending our relationship because I wanted something different. But no, i'm wrong. I'm a heartless bitch apparently.
I know I am writing so much personal information on here, but I can't help it. I am just so upset. So upset that a person could be so mean to someone who did so much for them. It's heartbreaking. I know he is not worth my tears and that there is good found in this crappy situation. I am an optimist and I will find something positve to come out of this, but for right now...I just want to let my feelings out and be sad. I have been holding them in for so long...
I am no where near ready to start dating or looking for a new relationship. I have to work on myself and continue to grow as a person until I am comfortable with my place in life. But I will say this, I will neverrrr settle for less than what I deserve. I deserve to be loved unconditionally and treated right. Every
It was really hard to go through this day filled with bs emotions and not be able to go to the gym and run them out. Running clears my head and makes me feel accomplished and happy. I really could have used that tonight.