I am changing in every way possible.
The way I look.
The way I feel.
The way I act.
The way I treat others.
The way I view life.
The way I spend my free time.
The way I live life.
Before you start judging me and think I am annoyingly over the top 100% of the time, and on Prozac or happy pills...just read. Ok?
This past weekend has made me realize that I am in a place in my life where I have not been happier. I am living my life for ME. I do what I want, when I want, wherever I want and with whoever the f I want. I let nothing get in my way.
I attended the University of Delaware Alumni Weekend called Delabration. Corny, I know but SO amazing. In the past my friend has always asked me to go. I always told her no and said it was so dumb and that I didn't want to go because I already see the friends I want to see. I even did that like everyday leading up to this weekend. "Ugh I can't believe you are making me go to this." The past few years I really did want to go but I was just too scared for people to see me looking worse than I did in college. I pushed aside what I wanted to do and I would just make an excuse and convince myself that I really didn't want to do it anyway (even when I did). Ummmm biggest mistake and lie of my life and that is a main reason why I got up to 315lbs. I would miss out on so many opportunities because I wasn't comfortable being me and seeing certain people. Well guess what.....not anymore.
I went to the alumni weekend and I had one of the best times of my life. I was me and I didn't care what anyone thought of me. The way I looked, the way I acted...didn't care.
|This is me. 100%|
The changes I have seen in myself in the past 3 months are UNREAL. I have always been a confident girl and always the outgoing one. Always. I thought I was the cutest fat girl in the world and I would strut around in my 315lb body and just work it. Little did I know...that it was all fake. I didn't think I was "pretty for a fat girl" I was just telling myself that because I was fat and I needed to make up an excuse as for why it was ok to be fat. "Ehhh i'm fat, but at least i'm pretty." WTF so DUMB. I never put any effort into the way I looked unless I was going out with my friends. I wore really boring plain clothes to work and lived in yoga pants and hoodies 24/7. I was just blah. I never wore makeup and I still don't really (i'm all about playing on your natural beauty. Girls who wear too much makeup are hiding something...i'm convinced). I never realized all of this until this weekend. This weekend I had a revelation (is that the right word?).
I strutted around thinking I was cute and I believed it. Not fat girl cute, but actually a cute girl. I got all dolled up and for once it was for me and no one else. I didn't worry about what people thought of me because I didn't give a crap. I walked right up to people I haven't seen in yearrrrs and said hello and talked to them like they were my best friend. I didn't care because I wasn't worried about how I was coming off and I wasn't worried about looking dumb.
I am in a point in my life where I really need to be single. I don't know if I want a boyfriend and I am def not actively trying to find one. But if someone came along...ehhh I guess I wouldn't pass up the opportunity haha. Anyways...in the past, I would try way to hard to get attention from men and I refuse to ever do that again. But I did realize this weekend that when you are confident and you just live your life the way you want...you get attention without even trying. And a lot of it. Guys who I haven't seen in foreverrrr were coming up to me and complimenting the way I look and flirting and just being awesome. It was amazing and def an ego boost. Some even told me they loved my confidence and it made me even more attractive. You know why all of this was amazing? Because I wasn't trying to get it and I didn't even really want it...it was unexpected. I also had girls from my sorority and classes that I haven't seen in 5 years coming up to me saying how amazing I looked and asking if I lost weight. It was the best feeling in the world and just added to my confidence boost. I'm not trying to brag, I am just trying to explain how my life has changed and the way I live it.
No more yoga pants and hoodies everyday. No way. I make an effort every day to make myself look how I feel on the inside. I dress up whether I go to the grocery store or out with friends. Don't get me wrong...I still rock yoga pants and hoodies out and about but I make sure it's still a cute outfit. I feel amazing and I want to look that way. I have put a lot of effort into the way I dress and always remember to dress the body I have and not the one I want. So many people get that wrong...so wrong...
Here are some of my favorite looks over the past few months:
|My Nautical Look.|
My favorite look ever.
|My first Forever 21 purchase.|
|An old ugly dress made cute.|
As you can see, I like dresses. Some of these outfits are for work, but I also wear every single look outside of work too. I love dressing up and it is so important for me to showcase outside how I feel inside. I am happy and I want the world to know it.
I guess the point I am trying to make is that I am happy. Finally. Truly happy. I know I have a long way to go on this journey, but for once I am not scared or discouraged. I know I will make it because I have the internal drive that reminds me everyday that I can do it and that I will do it.
I am really nervous this post is coming off badly, but I promise it's not meant to be that way.
I think the difference between confidence and cocky is that when you're cocky you think you are better than other people. I only think I am better than my old self, no one else.
P.S.- I know there is a thin line between confidence and cockiness that I am
P.S.S.- If you have an Instagram follow me! My name is beautifulchunk. I post alot of my outfits on there and a lot of pictures throughout this whole weight loss journey. The support on there is amazing and I wouldn't be able to keep going without it. <3
What are your thoughts on confidence vs cockiness? Share!