Saturday, September 8, 2012

Itty Bitty Sweat Sesh That Was So Much More

I have been sitting at home for the past week post surgery...doing nothing.  It was getting old really fast.  Over the past few days I have been fighting something nastyyyy.  I have had a fever and everything that goes with it.  I have a runny nose, headache, congestion and can't stop sneezing.  Which is terrifying because with every sneeze comes the chance of blowing out my newly mended back. Of course I would get sick the same week I am recovering from surgery. Typical.  

Even though I have been feeling like death...I decided a few days ago that this weekend I would try working out again.  Nothing serious, just a slow walking sesh.  Hot Doctor said that was ok as long as there wasn't any "bouncing."  Meaning: no running, fast walking, or anything that would make my body bounce up and down. I like to break rules so I drove myself to a park down the street even tho I am not allowed to drive yet. I decided I would try to walk slowly for 3 miles.  So that is what I set out to do.

It was a pretty nice day today so the park was packed.  The walk was really refreshing and it felt great...even if I was going at a 22min mile pace. Um....what?  22 min mile pace....what.the.hell.  That is so slow and somewhat embarrassing.  It was very humbling to realize that pace was all I could do at the moment.  It really put me in my place mentally. Like.." can only walk at a 22min mile pace. That is all you can do. So deal with it." Okkkkk. Ugh.  

The whole time I was walking I had the worst thoughts...
  • What if people are looking at me going so slow and thinking..."why even bother?"
  • People are looking at me and see that I'm fat and probably think that I can't go any faster.
  • Why is she wearing a sports bra to walk that slowwwww.
  • Why would she drive all the way to a park just to walk at a slow ass pace. 
  • I really wish I had a sign on my back that read "I just had back surgery...I really can run!"  Like I had to prove that to everyone or something.
  • OMG I am in DE, my hometown, people here may recognize me and some know I have lost weight...what are the going to say when they see me just walking so slowly? Can they see a difference in my weight and size?
  • People are purposely trying to lap me, just because they can. 
  • I really wish I could run...I should just do it...just a little bit...
  • OH NOOOO my favorite running song just came on....I really wish I could just run.
  • Why is she sweating...she isn't even doing anything.
  • Please move out of my way...why are you walking so slow in my run path?

SIDE NOTE: I'm not kidding...Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons "Big Girls Don't Cry" just came on my itunes shuffle right now....hahahahaha.  But I'm not really crying...just sayin'.

So all of those thoughts crossed my mind on my 3 mile 1 hour 9 min walk.  It was kinda upsetting... because it means that I really haven't made that much progress mentally even tho I always front like I have.  I mean...I am not faking it.  I am a confident girl and I like to think I am confident in my own skin.  However...all of these insecure thoughts?!? Where are they coming from? I have lost almost 57 pounds!!!! That is AMAZING and I am PROUD!  So whyyyyy am I having these thoughts? I don't understand.  Is it because I am not confident with where I am physically anymore?  Because I can't run and get an amazing workout in?  Because I can't set a goal and crush it by increasing my time/distance?  Do I no longer feel "accomplished?" I'm not sure...I don't know where this is coming from.

I am proud of my workout tho and it made me feel really good to get back into it.  I love the feeling of putting on my sneakers, I know that sounds weird.  But it really is a form of therapy and happiness...cheaper form of prozac hahaha. Anyone else who works out knows what I mean. 

Even though today I had all of those negative thoughts...I tried really hard for it not to effect me in a negative way.  I tried to ignore them and just keep my head up and keep walking.  No matter how slow I went, at least I was still out there!  Still exercising and still working hard to achieve my goals.  Why should I care what a bunch of soccer moms thought about me?  I shouldn't care!  I shouldn't!!  And tomorrow when I go back to the park...I am going to not care.  I promise :)

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