Today....I need to vent. And I KNOW there are plenty of people out there who are in the same boat as me which is why I love plastering my mental battles all over the internet for the world to see. It's somewhat comforting to know that you are not the only one battling these issues.
So here I go:
Weightloss. UGH!!! It's the most frustrating thing I have ever had to deal with EVER! It is something I HAVE to do and it is the one thing in my life that frustrates me SO MUCH! It's an emotional roller coaster that I am never allowed to get off of. I will be on it my whole life. Some days I am confident in how far I've come and other days I'm the complete opposite. Lately it has def been hard to find the positive in all of this. I know I have lost about 50lbs and that's great! I am happy with that physical progress but I know it should be more. I am also frustrated with the lack of accomplishment on the mental part of weightloss. All of my mental issues with food are still there. There has been no progress in that department and my way of
My one mental fault is that no matter what it is...if it's there...I will obsess over it...and I will eat it. To the point that I will obsess about eating it...until it's gone. For example if I go to dinner and have leftovers...I will think about them until they're gone...so then I just usually eat them later that night. (Kinda embarrassed I just admitted this). This happens with everything. Like if I'm just sitting at home and I think "a PB+J would be so good right now" then I will just obsess about eating one until I just do it. Lately my way of avoiding this is not buying ANYTHING at the grocery store that would trigger this obsessiveness or just avoiding the situation all together. Let me explain: instead of going to the BBQs I was invited to for 4th of July, I decided to sit at home ALONE and do nothing. Why? Because I knew that I couldn't be mentally strong and go to these events without overeating all the food that would be there. Sad. So sad. So instead of just trying to have will power, I decided to avoid the situation all together. Way to go Julie...that's a great way to overcome your mental battles...NOT. Idiot. And my obsessiveness isn't just with food. I also experience this same thing with shopping...goooood lord I have an addictive personality! Good thing I've never tried drugs!
I hate being so negative about this but it's not like I'm being a Debbie downer...just telling the truth about how I feel. And how do I feel? I feel stuck. I have been battling for 2.5 years and I'm not where I should be. I lost the first 50lbs so easily and then every bit of progress just stopped! And what is even more frustrating is that I am trying even HARDER now than in the beginning! I have increased my workouts from just walking 3-4x a week to higher intensity, high calorie burning workouts 5-6x a week. I've also been able to maintain the same food intake over the years. It's not like I lost 50lbs and I'm now 100 lbs and it's harder to lose weight...NO! I'm 270lbs and it should still be easy for me to drop weight! So what the helllllllll. See?!?! Mental battle.
Where is all this coming from? It's always on my mind. Always. Buttttt this week something in particular happened to make me feel discouraged. Recently people have been coming up to me saying they see a difference in my body, that I've lost weight. I keep saying no no no no no I haven't. So since everyone has been saying something to me I decided to see for myself. So I busted out this one pair of PJ shorts I bought in an XL that didn't really fit. I bought them to try to see if I could fit into them. So just to see if I have lost inches...I tried them on. Anddddddd they are still super tight. Dis.cour.a.ging. Bummer. And I know I am completely acting silly over trying on a pair of shorts but it really just opened the flood gates. The rest of the day I was sad and than that lead into being lonely which lead to the mind frame "I'm only single because boys don't like fat girls." Oh.my.god. Seriously?! Those thoughts are ridiculous, annoying and so not me. Come on now Julie....SUCK IT UP!
It's so frustrating for me to think like this because I always try to pick out the positives in life. I hate thinking about negative aspects of things and situations because there is always a positive in everything and time should not be spent on the negative things in life. Because of this mentality it is very hard for me to stay negative for longer than a few hours. I usually get super sad for a night then wake up the next morning and am my normal positive self. SO I have found the positive in all of this and it's funny how obvious it is.
As funny as it sounds, the positive in all of this is that I am getting negative in the first place. The fact that my lack in progress is making me sad means that I care. That I STILL want this. That I still bust my ass everyday towards this goal. That I am determined to see progress. That I can recognize what isn't working and try to fix it instead of giving up. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that my negativity is a form of positivity. I wouldn't get negative if I didn't care. I DO care and I will continue to fight my weightloss battle. (Does that make sense??)
Ok ok ok I'm done with the emotional nonsense. Now onto my weekly workouts...haha ugh I'm a mess this week...what a girl :)
|Tuesday Body Pulse & Abs|
|Double Wednesday Zumba & Kickboxing|
|Thursday Walk Outside|
I hope everyone had a great holiday and has an even better weekend! I will try to work on my attitude and try to stay happy...because in the end...this is a journey. A journey doesn't take a day...it's a lifetime.