Friday, July 5, 2013

It's All Mental...

So...the reason why I love my blog is because it is an outlet for me 100%. Basically that is the reason I started this...not for anyone else but me. I needed a way to express myself that made me feel better.  Talking about my feelings/problems really helps me figure them out.  It's always great to have friends to vent to but after awhile they must get sick of hearing the same things over and over and over again!  Also, how can your friend who is 140lbs and needs to lose 10lbs relate to you?! I'm sorry but they can't. It may be a journey for them to lose the weight just like it is for you, but it's on a totally different level.  That's where this blog comes in.

Today....I need to vent.  And I KNOW there are plenty of people out there who are in the same boat as me which is why I love plastering my mental battles all over the internet for the world to see. It's somewhat comforting to know that you are not the only one battling these issues.

So here I go:

Weightloss. UGH!!! It's the most frustrating thing I have ever had to deal with EVER!  It is something I HAVE to do and it is the one thing in my life that frustrates me SO MUCH!  It's an emotional roller coaster that I am never allowed to get off of.  I will be on it my whole life.  Some days I am confident in how far I've come and other days I'm the complete opposite.  Lately it has def been hard to find the positive in all of this. I know I have lost about 50lbs and that's great!  I am happy with that physical progress but I know it should be more.  I am also frustrated with the lack of accomplishment on the mental part of weightloss.  All of my mental issues with food are still there.  There has been no progress in that department and my way of living dealing with it is avoiding it all together (this is really hard for me to admit that I have a "problem" with food).

My one mental fault is that no matter what it is...if it's there...I will obsess over it...and I will eat it.  To the point that I will obsess about eating it...until it's gone.  For example if I go to dinner and have leftovers...I will think about them until they're then I just usually eat them later that night. (Kinda embarrassed I just admitted this).  This happens with everything.  Like if I'm just sitting at home and I think "a PB+J would be so good right now" then I will just obsess about eating one until I just do it. Lately my way of avoiding this is not buying ANYTHING at the grocery store that would trigger this obsessiveness or just avoiding the situation all together.  Let me explain:  instead of going to the BBQs I was invited to for 4th of July, I decided to sit at home ALONE and do nothing.  Why?  Because I knew that I couldn't be mentally strong and go to these events without overeating all the food that would be there. Sad. So sad.  So instead of just trying to have will power, I decided to avoid the situation all together.  Way to go Julie...that's a great way to overcome your mental battles...NOT.  Idiot. And my obsessiveness isn't just with food.  I also experience this same thing with shopping...goooood lord I have an addictive personality! Good thing I've never tried drugs!

I hate being so negative about this but it's not like I'm being a Debbie downer...just telling the truth about how I feel.  And how do I feel? I feel stuck.  I have been battling for 2.5 years and I'm not where I should be.  I lost the first 50lbs so easily and then every bit of progress just stopped!  And what is even more frustrating is that I am trying even HARDER now than in the beginning!  I have increased my workouts from just walking 3-4x a week to higher intensity, high calorie burning workouts 5-6x a week.  I've also been able to maintain the same food intake over the years.  It's not like I lost 50lbs and I'm now 100 lbs and it's harder to lose weight...NO!  I'm 270lbs and it should still be easy for me to drop weight! So what the helllllllll. See?!?! Mental battle.

Where is all this coming from?  It's always on my mind. Always.  Buttttt this week something in particular happened to make me feel discouraged.  Recently people have been coming up to me saying they see a difference in my body, that I've lost weight. I keep saying no no no no no I haven't.  So since everyone has been saying something to me I decided to see for myself.  So I busted out this one pair of PJ shorts I bought in an XL that didn't really fit. I bought them to try to see if I could fit into them.  So just to see if I have lost inches...I tried them on.  Anddddddd they are still super tight.  Dis.cour.a.ging.  Bummer.  And I know I am completely acting silly over trying on a pair of shorts but it really just opened the flood gates.  The rest of the day I was sad and than that lead into being lonely which lead to the mind frame "I'm only single because boys don't like fat girls."  Seriously?! Those thoughts are ridiculous, annoying and so not me.  Come on now Julie....SUCK IT UP!

It's so frustrating for me to think like this because I always try to pick out the positives in life.  I hate thinking about negative aspects of things and situations because there is always a positive in everything and time should not be spent on the negative things in life.  Because of this mentality it is very hard for me to stay negative for longer than a few hours.  I usually get super sad for a night then wake up the next morning and am my normal positive self.  SO I have found the positive in all of this and it's funny how obvious it is.

As funny as it sounds, the positive in all of this is that I am getting negative in the first place.  The fact that my lack in progress is making me sad means that I care.  That I STILL want this.  That I still bust my ass everyday towards this goal.  That I am determined to see progress.  That I can recognize what isn't working and try to fix it instead of giving up.  So I guess what I'm trying to say is that my negativity is a form of positivity.  I wouldn't get negative if I didn't care.  I DO care and I will continue to fight my weightloss battle. (Does that make sense??)

Ok ok ok I'm done with the emotional nonsense.  Now onto my weekly workouts...haha ugh I'm a mess this week...what a girl :)

Monday Zumba
Tuesday Body Pulse & Abs

Double Wednesday Zumba & Kickboxing

Thursday Walk Outside
This post is already annoyingly long so I won't go into detail about my workouts this week.  They were pretty normal and awesome.  I am feeling pretty good physically (I told you it's all mental with me).  This weekend coming up is pretty busy so I made sure I got my 5x a week goal accomplished early.  I worked out sun-thurs so if I have to skip today or tomorrow I will still hit my goal.

I hope everyone had a great holiday and has an even better weekend!  I will try to work on my attitude and try to stay happy...because in the end...this is a journey.  A journey doesn't take a's a lifetime.


  1. I'm not going to pretend that I can relate because I can't but I completely empathize with you! I went through a period where if I had a bag of Cheetos (the big size), I would end up eating the whole thing at one sitting because in my mind - I could spread the calories out over a few days or just eat them and be done with it. Then I would haul my sick feeling self out for a run because I felt so guilty. It was a cycle and a very unhealthy cycle for me. I finally realized that it was as much a mental thing as pushing through a really tough workout so I decided to approach it that way (by being mentally tougher) - that helped but still took time.
    Hang in there - you are stronger than you think!

    1. "I finally realized that it was as much a mental thing as pushing through a really tough workout so I decided to approach it that way (by being mentally tougher)."

      That is a GREAT attitude and a GREAT way of looking at it! I love that you said that. I am going to try this, you're a smart and strong girl! Thank you! xoxo

  2. I can SO relate to your mental battles and obsessive tendencies. I do the same thing with food I know I shouldn't's like it talks to me, whispers that it's just waiting to be eaten. I definitely have an addictive personality...I've already decided alcohol isn't a good idea for me. I have seen a counselor on and off for years, and quite frankly, the counselor has helped more than a trainer ever did!

    1. I know that I shouldn't be glad that you can relate but it's nice to know that other people experience the same thing. This mental part is so hard!!

  3. I can SO relate to your mental battles and obsessive tendencies. I do the same thing with food I know I shouldn't's like it talks to me, whispers that it's just waiting to be eaten. I definitely have an addictive should this one also

    1. It's awful! Def my hardest struggle on this journey!

  4. I can relate. Recently it has been with the slow progress. I feel the same way as you do. Its not like I'm trying to lose 10 vanity lbs i have 90 lbs to lose it should be coming off. My advise to you is make sure you are taking progress pictures so you can see your body changing even if the scale is being stubborn. Same for measurements. I admire your determination. I am also super jealous if your fitness level that is something I would love to be good at and I really struggle in that department.

    1. Slow progress is the worst, but I guess we just have to keep thinking that at least it's some kind of progress! Right?

      I do have a few progress pics but I'm scared to compare them because I know I will be upset if I can't tell a difference...I keep saying...maybe next month...maybe next month. Bah!!!

      Don't be jealous of my fitness level! I have been on this journey for 2.5 years already and I started off just walking! At the beginning I was only walking like 2 miles or 30 mins. I slowly built my athletic level to where I am today. I still have a long way to go but time will let me get there! Just keep on going and you will be able to see changes in what your capable of doing!! :) xoxo

  5. Miss Julie- I wanted to write this reply like all weekend but you know how that goes. I know you are feeling better today after your awesome weekend which is great, but I wanted to touch base about this post because I don’t for a second EVER want you to feel alone in this. I want you to know that I completely 1000% relate to what you wrote. First, as much as anyone can sympathize or try to understand the struggles of losing a large amount of weight there is just no way someone who has not lived this battle can fully understand the mental ramifications of having to lose a ton of weight. It is not easy and the mental is by far the hardest part. I remember so many times, each time that I’ve done this stupid thing, where I’ve sat there and just cried. Simply because I’ve worked so hard and I was still fat and it would never be enough. Cried because I feared a man would never really love me at the weight I was. In reality, a man would never love me because I didn’t love myself!

    I would hide and skip family events because I couldn’t be tempted by food. Yes, I have a food addiction. I have triggers. I had to clean out my candy drawer because I just couldn’t trust myself anymore. I have hid from my life for fear of food. Probably because I’m an addict. Because I have an addictive personality. I think that so many of us that struggle with weight issues have addictive personalities. Let’s face it; we are addicted to food to get to the weights we end up at. Just because we start working on food or health issues doesn’t mean the addictive part of us goes away. No way. Call it OCD (as I believe you did today), call it obsessive compulsive, (That is what I always call myself) call it whatever you want but we just have that type of personality.

    Prior to my health, I really was out of control with spending money. I spent so much money and was in so much debt. I had to work really hard to pull myself out of that. Addiction. Then it becomes addiction to being healthy. My family things I go off the deep end and obsess and they have to pull me back in. I love something and I LOVE it. I have the same obsessive personality. Like I need to own 30 pairs of TOMS shoes??? Just love them so I can’t stop obsessing until I have them in every color/style. It does make you broke? It can also drive people around you insane too. It makes us quite successful when that crazy is channeled towards good; like exercise. But crazy too when we can’t live up to our own unrealistic expectations. Thus the break-downs from time to time.

    I have said it a million times, truly have, my whole life, that is is so thankful I have never tried drugs because of my obsessive compulsive personality, that I’d be instantly addicted. Cracked me up when you said that because I am so there! We do everything so crazy passionate. My dad was a mental case. Loved him to death, but he had so many mental disorders it wasn’t funny and unfortunately he passed on his OCD to me. Once a medical doctor diagnosed me as bi-polar; but that was after a traumatic experience in my life and my brain was crazy messed up and I think I answered the questions wrong. Basically I think I’m OCD and have to work very hard to control my tendencies. Sometimes I’m more successful than other times for sure. And some days for no reason whatsoever, I just want to cry and cry because this shit is hard.

    Weight loss is mental as you say and it NEVER goes away. 280 pounds, 220 pounds, 140 pounds. It’s all still there up in your brain!

    There is no one who is going to relate to you more than someone who has lived, is presently living the same battles as you. I may have lost weight but I still fight the same struggles as you every single day. You will never be alone in this journey. EVER!!!

    1. It's so comforting to know that I am not the only person that goes through this!!!! I love your comment, it made me feel so much better!!!! You seriously are the BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xoxoxoxxoox

  6. Hi Julie,

    I just need to say that I just came across your blog last week and reading some of your posts reminds me so much of myself.

    Weigh loss is such a battle both mentally and physically and unfortunately it is a battle some of us will face our whole life. I can totally relate to declining going to a BBQ so that you wouldn't indulge in all of the unhealthy food. It is a question I ask myself all the time because it seems holidays spent with family and friends is always surrounded by food and I become fixated on that. It is so difficult to try and put yourself in those situations and take control.

    Slow progress is still progress. It has been slow for me too.. I have lost 50 lbs and have kept it off for about 2 years, but I can't seem to break this. I work out regularly and try to change my intensity levels. You are not alone in this lifelong battle & I appreciate you sharing your story! :)

    I have really enjoyed reading some of your posts and definitely look forward to more. You are doing a great job and every little bit counts!


    Twitter: m3gar0ons

    1. I hope this doesn't sound bad but it's so nice to hear that I am not alone in this. I would never want anyone to have to deal with it, but it's nice to know others have the same "issues" as me!

      Keeping 50lbs off for 2 years is a GREAT accomplishment! You should feel so proud of yourself! I guess I should take my own advice and stop harping on why I can't get past a certain point and be proud of how far I've come.

      Thank you for reading and sharing with me you struggle with the same things! It helps so much! xoxoxo

  7. I just wanted to say that I love your blog, and I can completely relate to your food issues. As I was reading this post, I could completely relate to everything you were saying.

    I only have about 30 pounds to lose (somewhat lucky genetics), but until I get over my addiction issues, I don't think they are going to go anywhere fast. If I could do it all through exercise, I would find it easy, but unfortunately weight loss has a lot to do with diet.

    And as I wrote that, I just realised that I was hoping that when I reached my goal, I was planning on maintaining my weight through exercise and go back to eating as much as I want. This is, of course, wrong and should not be my ultimate goal. I need to be healthy overall, and feed my body good things.

    So anyway, keep it up. You are awesome. And your blog has totally inspired me to buy a heart rate monitor as an extra motivator!

    1. I said this before and I will say it again, it's so great to know that I'm not the only person who goes through the mental battles with food. I wouldn't ever wish this battle upon someone, but it's def nice to know there are others out there and it's just not me having an issue.

      If only losing weight was as easy as just working out, we would be so skinny! HA! I wish it was!!!! UGH! You will do great at maintaining! I feel like once you hit your goal you will not allow yourself to slip up into old habits! You will be able to do it! <3

      Thank you love! You're awesome as well! :) I'm glad you are going to get a heart rate monitor! They are awesome and really motivate you to work harder to hit your calorie burning goals! I LOVE MINE! :) As you can prob tell! I hope you love yours too!!!


  8. Major hugs Julie! This post could have come straight from my brain at so many different points along my journey... including recently. Weight loss SUCKS. This journey with weight our whole lives that we've been battling SUCKS. But, we are strong powerful women and we can power through! Your attitude is awesome and you will continue to see progress, I believe in you! Remember to pull out some of those before pictures when you are feeling down and be reminded that you will NEVER be back there. You look awesome and you are kicking butt at the gym, keep it up! :)