Déjà vu, (/ˌdeɪʒɑː ˈvuː/) from French, literally "already seen", is the phenomenon of having the strong sensation that an event or experience currently being experienced has been experienced in the past, whether it has actually happened or not.
Unfortunately that is how I'm currently feeling regarding my back. I feel like I have done this same exact thing already, meaning: in pain not going to the gym and being scared of gaining my weight back. Oh wait...I haaave done this same exact thing! Bummer.
The only good news is that my back does not currently hurt as much as it did last week. Over the weekend I was able to rest and did not go to the gym at all. I had plans to meet a friend at zumba on Sunday and I was very disappointed I had to cancel. There is no way I can do any type of exercise that involved dancing or jumping around...zumba and kickboxing are out of the equation for a bit. The point is I didn't go to the gym for a week and my back feels a little better. Pain isn't shooting down my leg and it only really hurts if I move it a certain way. Awesome!! This is good news.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed in myself. I am very angry and pissed off about where I stand today...3 years into my weightloss journey. It seems like I have made no real progress in the past year and a half!! In fact...it's like I took 200 million steps back. It's so upsetting and I get myself into these ruts where I have no one else to blame for my lack in progress besides myself. I really HATE when people complain about things in their own control...aka what I'm doing right now. I have no one to blame but me and I'm the only one who can fix the current situation. I really need to get back into my weightloss routine and make shit happen. I'm terrified to step on the scale and I know I'm only pounds away from my size 18 jeans being too tight. I refuse to backtrack in that way...I refuse.
I did this comparison picture to try to make myself feel better. To see that I HAVE made a little progress. Unfortunately the only thing this picture does is piss me off. I am not even that different than I was when I started. I mean...most of my bad habits have changed, and that's GREAT! But some are still there and it's so hard for me to make them go away. Why is this journey so damn hard for some people and so easy for others? Why do I have to be the one who struggles with it every. damn. day. I guess the only thing I can think of is that if it wasn't a struggle with weightloss...it would be a struggle with something else...
Ok...my self pity party is done...time to make a change. After all...it is in MY control.