Monday, April 21, 2014

Sometimes I Forget...

I have had 3 significant things happen to me since Thursday the 17th.  Not like good slash awesome significant...more like "holy shit...what am I doing" significant.  I makes no sense, so let me explain.

Number 1
Thursday was the usual kickboxing workout day.  I went.  It was...a struggle.  For some reason it felt like it was the very first day of my journey.  I was sluggish and strugggggling hardcore.  I've always been a "big" girl but I pride myself in still being athletic.  I could play soccer at 250lbs better than most!  And don't get me started on my gym workouts...surely nothing a normal 280lb girl would consider doable...let alone easy.  That's who I am...a big girl who is athletic.  Sounds odd I know, but it's true.  So on Thursday when I was struggling with normal kickboxing cardio...I got scared. Have I backtracked so much that I am back at square 1?  Who knows...I still don't know.  But let me tell was eye opening and alarming.

Thursday Kickboxing
Mean muggin' to smiling

Number 2
This weekend I had a wedding to go to. I dressed up cute, grabbed my date and headed out.  It was a beautiful wedding and a really great time! What wasn't so great was that everytime I tried to take a picture...I hated the outcome.  Of course it wasn't a selfie and I made my bf get in it...but every pic I took I hated.  My face looked so fat and unflattering.  I remember when I used to take pictures allllllllll the time because how much I loved the changes in my face from losing weight.  It now seems like they are all gone.  It makes me sad.  I want to be able to take pictures and love the way I look.

Number 3
The last thing that happened also went down at the wedding.  There were several girls from my sorority there that I haven't seen for a long time.  It was great seeing them and it was so much fun spending time to get to know them 7 years post college.  When I was getting ready to leave one of my friends comes up to me and says the NICEST things to me.  About how she has been following my journey on Instagram and how inspiring I am. This really made me feel great and awkward at the same time.  Sometimes I forget that people I know in my real everyday life follow my IG and blog.  I have hidden it from everyone I really know so when someone finds me and reads surprises me.

I'm not going to sit here and be rude or ungrateful about what she made my night.  It made me happy to hear that I inspired someone even when I had no idea they knew about my secret Beautiful Chunk alias.  What I am going to say is...I'm embarrassed and I'm ashamed.  I am embarrassed because I'm still fat.  I feel as though I have not made any progress and I don't deserve to be inspiring to anyone because I haven't been putting forth the effort that I once did.  It would be different if I have been giving 100% and just maintaining a loss, but I'm not. I'm not a role model and people would not get very far if they used me for inspiration, and that is a shitty feeling.

So long story short, those 3 things happened to me and made me realize...once again...that I want to lose this weight.

I want to work hard like I once did and accomplish my goals.
I want to feel great at a workout and know that I kicked ass.
I want to see improvement in my cardio workouts.
I want to be able to take one picture where I'm happy about the outcome.
I want to feel that I am deserving when someone calls me an inspiration.
I want to feel proud of myself again.

That's all I want.

Feeding off of those feelings, I went out for a long walk yesterday to clear my head and just think about things.  It was great and I felt much better afterwards.  I talked myself up to believe once more that I can do this journey and that I want to.

Sunday walk...
...and no, he didn't walk 5 miles.
Don't let him fool you <3 td="">


  1. Thank you for this. Seriously. I had a bit of a bawling breakdown over the state of shape I'm in. I did kickboxing/boxing all last year and then got sick (thyroid) and haven't been back since December, because I"m also terrified. I'm also fat and have my own wedding in October, which just freaked me all out.

    I know we both can do it, just gotta get back in the groove :-)

    1. YES! We both CAN do it! We just need to get out of this dumb little rut we're in! It's so hard being on a roll and then having a set back like getting sick. I understand completely! xoxo We can help each other! :)

  2. Feeling back to square one is the worst! Sorry you felt that way!
    You are so gonna kick some butt!

    1. Aww thank you! I feel a little better now...I kicked it into high gear!! :)

  3. This is great! I think the biggest problem regarding weight loss is that people don't eat enough which results in metabolic damage which then results in people spending the rest of there lives trying to get in to shape. So many people get in shape from eating dangerously low amounts of calories and excessive amounts of cardio and then then they gain it all back and can't get it off again.


    My Blog:

  4. Thank you for the honest post, I sympathize with you because it can be incredibly frustrating to gain even a tiny bit of weight after working so hard to contain it.