Thursday was the usual kickboxing workout day. I went. It was...a struggle. For some reason it felt like it was the very first day of my journey. I was sluggish and strugggggling hardcore. I've always been a "big" girl but I pride myself in still being athletic. I could play soccer at 250lbs better than most! And don't get me started on my gym workouts...surely nothing a normal 280lb girl would consider doable...let alone easy. That's who I am...a big girl who is athletic. Sounds odd I know, but it's true. So on Thursday when I was struggling with normal kickboxing cardio...I got scared. Have I backtracked so much that I am back at square 1? Who knows...I still don't know. But let me tell you...it was eye opening and alarming.
Mean muggin' to smiling
This weekend I had a wedding to go to. I dressed up cute, grabbed my date and headed out. It was a beautiful wedding and a really great time! What wasn't so great was that everytime I tried to take a picture...I hated the outcome. Of course it wasn't a selfie and I made my bf get in it...but every pic I took I hated. My face looked so fat and unflattering. I remember when I used to take pictures allllllllll the time because how much I loved the changes in my face from losing weight. It now seems like they are all gone. It makes me sad. I want to be able to take pictures and love the way I look.
The last thing that happened also went down at the wedding. There were several girls from my sorority there that I haven't seen for a long time. It was great seeing them and it was so much fun spending time to get to know them 7 years post college. When I was getting ready to leave one of my friends comes up to me and says the NICEST things to me. About how she has been following my journey on Instagram and how inspiring I am. This really made me feel great and awkward at the same time. Sometimes I forget that people I know in my real everyday life follow my IG and blog. I have hidden it from everyone I really know so when someone finds me and reads it...it surprises me.
I'm not going to sit here and be rude or ungrateful about what she said...in fact...it made my night. It made me happy to hear that I inspired someone even when I had no idea they knew about my secret Beautiful Chunk alias. What I am going to say is...I'm embarrassed and I'm ashamed. I am embarrassed because I'm still fat. I feel as though I have not made any progress and I don't deserve to be inspiring to anyone because I haven't been putting forth the effort that I once did. It would be different if I have been giving 100% and just maintaining a loss, but I'm not. I'm not a role model and people would not get very far if they used me for inspiration, and that is a shitty feeling.
So long story short, those 3 things happened to me and made me realize...once again...that I want to lose this weight.
I want to work hard like I once did and accomplish my goals.
I want to feel great at a workout and know that I kicked ass.
I want to see improvement in my cardio workouts.
I want to be able to take one picture where I'm happy about the outcome.
I want to feel that I am deserving when someone calls me an inspiration.
I want to feel proud of myself again.
That's all I want.
Feeding off of those feelings, I went out for a long walk yesterday to clear my head and just think about things. It was great and I felt much better afterwards. I talked myself up to believe once more that I can do this journey and that I want to.
...and no, he didn't walk 5 miles.
Don't let him fool you <3 td="">3>